) 10 Rules of A Steven Seagal Movie
Steven Seagal. As much as I make fun of him, I love his movies. You can't get much more macho than a good Seagal movie. Seriously, whenever I don't feel so good or down in the dumps, I throw in Under Seige (1 or 2) or Hard to Kill and it makes me feel better. Hell, even his latest film Exit Wounds is pretty damn entertaining. They're just fun to watch no matter how bad (or good) they are.
I started thinking about his movies and their similarities and I decided to come up with a list of rules to know when watching any Seagal movie. This list is by no means comprehensive but I'll do my best.
1. YOU CAN'T KILL STEVEN SEAGAL!
Executive Decision doesn't count. It might have been marketed heavily around Seagal's participation (he was hot at the time) but it was really a Kurt Russell vehicle. Executive Decision aside, the rule stands. Seagal cannot die. Hell, he has a movie called Hard to Kill and that should have been titled Impossible to Kill Under Any Circumstances.
2. He will have a moderately ridiculous name
Check out these names: Mason Storm, Gino Fellino, Casey Ryback, Forest Taft, Orin Boyd and in his upcoming film Half Past Dead; Sascha Petrosevitch (oh lord!). Seriously, these are names that no one in the real world has. I think that he probably just puts names in a hat and picks them at random.
3. A great amount of broken limbs
One of the fun parts of watching a Seagal flick is to count the number of broken legs, arms and fingers that his character inflicts on his enemies. I'm at a loss to think of which movie has the most broken limbs but I'll estimate that in his career he's probably broken over 200 or more. I think that he should just make a movie where he walks down the street breaking people's arms!
4. Bad acting
Well, he's not the best actor ever and he's certainly not the worst. Well, maybe.., anyway, where was I? Of course, you don't watch his movies to see an Oscar winning performance. He's decent in some (Above the Law, Marked For Death and Under Siege) while he really sucks in others (watch Under Siege 2 for an example of him not even trying!).
5. He WILL slap something out of someone's hand
Whether it's a gun, knife or even a missile launcher Seagal will pull his ultimate offensive weapon out: The Slap. Probably the best example of this technique is displayed in Under Siege 2 when he slaps the knife out of the villain's hand using the dreaded "Clap Slap". I guess you have to see it to understand.
Oh, one of the funniest headlines I ever read on CHUD.com was when Exit Wounds debuted at number one at the box office. The headline was; Seagal Slaps Money Out of Moviegoers Hands.
6. Three or two word titles
I won't list them all here but I will give you some examples. Above the Law, Out for Justice, Marked For Death, Under Siege, Exit Wounds, well you get the picture. It's actually pretty funny when you run down his list of movies and see the similarities in titles between them all. The one violation of this rule is Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, although I don't think it's a big deal as the Dark Territory part is only a subtitle.
7. YOU CAN'T KILL STEVEN SEAGAL!
I can't stress this enough: the guy just won't die!
8. Revenge, Revenge, Revenge
As I stated in my review of Hard to Kill, it is probably my favorite revenge film. It seems that most of his movies are built around the theme of revenge, even if it's not him that is out for it. It's good motivation for any character and it has you automatically rooting for him. Even if he isn't out to get revenge, it seems like he is!
9. Seagal will barely be hurt at all
Now here's an fun rule. In Hard to Kill he is put in a coma. It took a couple of shotgun blasts but it did the trick. Any other time in that movie or any other, he will barely be punched, kicked or shot and even if he is, he'll just shrug it off like it's nothing. The best example for this would be Under Siege 2. He's shot in the shoulder but it doesn't affect him at all! It's hilarious when he says, "You think this is being shot, this isn't being shot." Well, okay! I'll remember that the next time someone shoots me; just pretend it didn't happen. (See Rules 1 and 7).
10. Steven Seagal: Environmentalist
In some of his worst movies (On Deadly Ground, Fire Down Below, The Patriot, what we Seagal fans refer to as the Three That Should Be Forgotten) Seagal pushed an obvious environmentalist or conservationist agenda. While this is an admirable thing to do, he chose to do it with three of the worst movies I've ever seen! On Deadly Ground has a terrific cast but is so poorly written and directed (by Seagal himself!) that it's painful to watch.
8)
Ja to nawet mam plakat ze Stefka autografem do zawieszenia nad łózkiem 
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